Big Bear BreakThroughs x2
I just got home from a vacation in Big Bear, California where I had a monumental awakening to my truth. This isn’t the first time this has happened though. Here’s my experience in this magical land of Bears and Lakes - two of them.. and how I’ve come to cherish this place a personal oasis for breakthrough transformations.
The Fall of 2014 I was facing 12 years in prison and going back and forth between my home town of Chicago and California illegally. I was on bail for trafficking 100 pounds of weed with my ex boyfriend. Quite the experience, ya know, getting arrested in Chicago and spending 11 days in Cook County Jail. It ain’t no joke.
But it was a wake up call.
I realized that what was happening in my life - the whole being stuck in jail - was due to my own beliefs and thoughts about myself and my life. I had quite literally created a hellish jall within my mind and was seeing it manifest around me.
Granted I did get bailed out.. and was traveling back and forth to California — I was still miserable and challenged by everything. Feeling so isolated and alone brought me to my knees over and over again. I felt like I had no one to turn to because the whole jail experience really showed me who was my true friend or not. So, I used a lot of alcohol to mask the pain.
My spirit was so far from within my body. The spirit tends to detach when there’s a lot of toxicity happening within. Which meant I didn’t know true happiness. I didn’t know inner richness, and I sure as hell was not grateful for anything.
So, I let myself go out and meet new people but there was a certain element of regreat I had with everything.
I felt abandoned because I had abandoned myself.
It was around this time I started reading Being Peace by Thich Naht Hahn. This 100 or so page book quite literally changed my life. Waking me up to my inherent importance and spiritual wealth, I had a huge awakening to the power and inspiration I was for others - if I chose to be, of course.
One evening in front a fire place while reading Thich Naht Hahn, I made a huge decision to change my own life. I decided to go to rehab and sober up. I decided to put god and my spiritual practice first. I decided that if the universe was going to put me in jail for 12 years to get sober, I’d actually prefer to just do it on my own.
So while the two acquaintances I had met slept, I signed up for a sweet little rehab in Illinois called Timberline Knolls. I was committed to the next level of my life in complete sobriety. Little did I know that single decision would “change” the course of my whole arrest — and life.
At the next court date, we were let off. We signed paperwork saying there was an illegal search and seizure, and never looked back. My intuition tells me it’s actually because I decided to change my ways. Like this was my big wake up call smacking me in the face to say HEY< LISTEN UP! WE WANT WHATS BEST FOR YOU BUT YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE IT.
So, I did.
The following day from court I went straight to rehab for my first - and last - 28 days.
From there, I sobered up, changed my life, and have been better for it sense. After I got out I traveled all over the world. Started focusing on my tantra education, teaching yoga and meditation, and was more creative then ever before!
What an incredible journey - just from one night in Big Bear where I realized it was time to live the life I truly desired instead of following in the painful footsteps of familial trauma and addiction.
That was then - This is now.
When I was invited to Big Bear again I didn’t really want to go. Until a sweet man said he’d come with me. He inspired me in so many ways and all I wanted was to vacation with him and hold him. So, I figured why not do both — with my friends in a cabin all week. Little did I know it would end up being another opportunity for extensive and massive growth. This time, not through as much pain, although challenging.
For me: I’m always learning and growing. I take great care in being a witness to my life and evolving. The challenges might not ever get easier but how we handle them does. So, rather than being a complete drunk like 5 years ago.. this time I was more of a push-over. Rather than taking responsibility and doing what I wanted to do. I let myself get caught up in supposed-to’s.
My lesson wasn’t with addiction but rather submission.
This time around - I had the knowledge to hold a ceremony and create space for change though. My patterns, clearly singing out, give me a chance to acknowledge and rewrite the story. Where there was pain - now I feel empowered to speak my truth and needs, to do what is best for me and let other people have their own experience.
It was a challenging week because I missed out on a lot of the connections I desired in order to ‘make other people happy.’ The reality is though, what’s best for me, is best for others. So as I left Big Bear this time - 5 years later.. I still feel that sweet and refreshing energy of recommitment. IT’s time for big change even though the pattern isn’t as detrimental. There’s always moments that are crucible to our lives - and its how we handle them that shows us who we are and how we’ve grown.
Seeing where I’m at from 5 years ago is incredible. I’m a new woman with so much going on for her it’s wildly fantastic. I have incredible and deep friendships. I have beautiful lovers, a great career. new opportunities that are popping up from no where, and a lot of self-love.
After the week I realized I can still improve. So now, as I released my old patterns of self-sabotage and not putting my needs first I came to a few new commitments I can uphold myself to.
-Authentic Relating - always speaking my mind compassionately and in love. If I’m feeling comfortable, or happy, frustrated, or even sad.. I give myself full permission to share all of me in love. To share from my heart and trust I’m perfect regardless of what others think. I release my need for other peoples approval - because I approve of myself. When I approve of myself and follow my bliss I feel whole. When I am whole I never feel abandoned by others because I’m taking care of myself! Such a powerful breakthrough to have. When I abandoned myself - I feel abandoned by others. Pattern cleared!
- I commit to being honest about my true feelings and always going for what I want fully expecting to receive it. I will only settle for my desires or something better. I also fully trust in life to give me what I need because I know she’s listening. I trust my heart and my womb. I trust my feelings! I am so grateful to be effortlessly guided by grace and goodness. I am free when I give myself permission to be! So much of life is dictated by our thoughts and beliefs - so I consciously choose freedom and happy thoughts because I’m worth it.
-I commit to doing what I love for a living. Everyday I put great effort towards my highest passions and goals. I know that with time I will accomplish all I desire and I say YES to receiving divine wisdom and creative flow s easily. I am a channel of good and God.
-I am 100% committed to only doing things that feel like a FUCK YES. If there’s anxiety in my body, it’s a no. If there’s confusion - definitely a no. If the thought of something makes me tired or angry.. nope. When I align with my FUCK YES — all doors of good open for me.
-Boundaries amplified. What I need is perfect and I’m worthy of it. If I say No, people in my life will respect that. If they don’t, I can easily say goodbye until they’re ready to come back in a true friendship way.
What else is there to say other than that I AM SO GRATEFUL to have gone through another Big Bear Portal into more wholeness as I continue to ‘trim the fat’ off my life and only feed what nourishes my soul.
What a beautiful opportunity to have ceremony for myself with the mountains and trees as my witness! I literally made sunflower blessings and bathed myself in rose petals to support the integration into my beingness.
What next? Live louder and more on purpose — just like in 2014. Back then my life changed dramatically because I cut all aspects of my shadow out completely. NO questions asked. This time is the same. I am radically committed to living the life I Desire and that means acting from a place of clarity and confidence.
Here we glow.
I’m curious what times in your life you saw a reflection from the universal mind that didn’t serve you? Perhaps you were living in experiences that didn’t feel good. What did you do internally to shift your external world? How did you manage to maintain your commitment to growth and personal development through the change?
I’m so grateful to be connected to Source energy that allows me to make big changes in a second. Through prayer, intention, and clearly guided actions I always know what I want is possible. I’m so excited to see what comes up in these next few months!